“What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.” -- Tolstoy

Compatibility
What does it mean to be compatible with a partner? Many people believe that "opposites attract". Often, when we follow this belief, we seek a partner with traits, pursuits, desires and interests that are completely different than our own. Unfortunately, this might not be the best way to develop any relationship that is lasting, supportive and healthy.

Sharing similar beliefs and interests can make your time together much more enjoyable. Sharing time with others, whether socially or romantically, involves some give-and-take and compromise. It takes a willingness to look for ways in which you can connect and develop your relationship. This means that you can be compatible and forge relationships with others when you share common values and interests, and you’re willing to consciously work on the relationship.

A relationship really is a connection between people. Your connection might be business, social, physical, romantic, sexual, spiritual, or a blending of many of them. We need to find balance and blend these aspects in our intimate relationships to foster our compatibility. At times, we might neglect our inner or outer need for some of these aspects.

If you are in a committed and long-term relationship, especially marriage, and you neglect parts of your relationship then it can eventually suffer. It can be very stressful for couples who don’t find differents ways to grow and develop together. All the facets and aspects of our relationships are important. Today, couples get caught in the trap of forgetting the importance of developing different aspects in their relationship and might think that they are too busy to be social, romantic or sexual. They might only be so caught up in the glamour of the social world that their relationship is only socially based. For other couples, their work lives get so hectic that they gradually become more isolated from their social networks.

One very interesting research project that has been looking at the way in which marriages and couples work is the PAIR Project. It began in 1981 and it involves the study of how the couples worked out their long term problems. Two interesting findings from the project are:

* The extent of differences in tastes and ideas among couples does not predict divorce.

* Some couples bury their concerns over such differences; others brood over them. Those who brood are more likely to divorce.


Ultimately, the interests, beliefs, similarities and personality traits that attract you to a partner may change and not hold up over time. This might be fine if you are still dedicated and willing to work on supporting and developing your relationship.

When you meet your partner the two of you might both share an avid interest in hiking. Over time, one partner might develop knee problems and begin to dislike the pain that long hikes bring. You might make a comprise together for the good of the relationship. Perhaps, you can continue to hike together by taking shorter trips. Perhaps, you can develop other interests together.

We've all had, or experienced, relationships in which the partners couldn't or wouldn't make compromises. One such relationship that I had in the past, involved a woman who really enjoyed remodeling work. It consumed much of her free time. She almost lived and breathed to be able to make repairs to old furniture and would often sell or give it away. It was her passion! Yet, looking for the furniture, or making the repairs just wasn't for me. We struggled to find a way to find a spend time together through compromise. With maturity, I think that I have learned more about sacrifices and being able to bend and make adjustments in relationship.

Often when a compromise can’t be reached, many of us think that we no longer share similar interests and are now incompatible, which may lead you to end the relationship. We all change. Compatibility really is a process and it's something you create together. It’s about negotiating and adjusting as you go along. You need to be willing to consciously examine your connection and approach to one another. Ideally, it’s about having compassion for each another, and seeing one another in a positive light and being willing and able to truly know another individual.

Tags: Relationships Compromise Interests Beliefs

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