Self

As I'm talking about Self-growth it feels right that I should talk some more about the Self. We become Self-aware at some stage as we grow through childhood and adolescence. This is awareness that we are a Self and there is an external world of 'other' - that is something other than our Self. However, for much of our life we may not be fully aware just what it means to be a unique individual. In society, cultures, and families we may lose a lot of our awareness of Selfhood, and be lost amongst the collective belief of groups, families or partners. We may begin to view our Self as being the primary role we take in our family or job. Perhaps we are a father, a mother, a boss, or a worker. How often do we actually stop to think that we are, underneath it all, a "Self" first and foremost, and our role or job is secondary to that?

We may spend most of our time and energy thinking, feeling, and acting for others. While there are appropriate times for this, such as caring for young children, there are times when it isn't appropriate. It isn't appropriate when we've lost the awareness that we are a Self - a unique individual who is here to have his or her own life's journey.

In our society it is often looked down upon if we put our Self first. We may be called selfish. However, what I am talking about isn't being selfish, nor is it being selfless. It is a happy medium between the two. To me, selfishness is a rejection of others and their needs, and to a degree a lack of understanding of our own needs - as by being selfish it often means we are not meeting our needs effectively at all.

At the other extreme, being selfless we can give away huge amounts of energy to others who may happily take, take, take, from us without giving back and then discard us when they're done.

By meeting our needs to the best of our abilities, but conscious of the needs of others, we can always seek to find an 'And' where everyone's needs can be met in a mutually beneficial way, while retaining the right to look after our needs first and foremost. To me, the happy medium is to know our own boundaries and limits, and to feel comfortable with saying "no" to others when need the energy for our Self. I don't believe we can really be of true service to others unless we take good care of our Self, our needs, and have respect for our Self and our boundaries.

Sub-personalities

At some stage we are all out of balance from the Self. We may find ourselves in two minds about doing something, such as dilemma over taking care of our needs, and taking care of someone else's needs and wants. Psychosynthesis, and some other systems, talk about this type of thing as sub-personalities. I was introduced to this concept several years before I had heard of Psychosynthesis. To understand the concept of sub-personalities I was told to imagine the crew of a ship, with the Self as the captain. The crew help maintain the running of the ship, but if a mutiny occurs, then the captain is thrown overboard and the crew do whatever they want.

If we are not fully aware that we are a Self, the Captain of our own ship, then it is easy for other parts of our personality to assume control and fight amongst each other for control of the ship. We all have sub-personalities, and it isn't that some are good and others are bad, it is just that they are either working for us, or they are out of balance. Sub-personalities are all trying to meet our needs, but in limited ways, and often they don't cooperate with each other - it is their way, or no way.

Our sub-personalities always come in pairs, and as opposites of each other. One will generally be stronger, or more active, than the other - or we may only be aware of one, as the other may work in our life in much more covert and hidden ways. Often we will alternate between two sub-personalities, either rapidly (such as when we are in two minds about something), or over a longer period of time, and we may feel it is a 'mood' we're in.

For me, two of my main sub-personalities are an Achiever, and an under-Achiever. The Achiever will work, work, work, with a belief that more is better, and almost always for an unachievable goal, such as trying to get 'everything' finished tonight! The under-Achiever just thinks, "What's the point?" and gives up before starting. Most of my way through school I identified with the under-Achiever, just doing the bare minimum to get by. In fact, it wasn't until my second year of Psychosynthesis training that I realised that I did actually have the Achiever sub-personality also! Once I was aware of both these aspects, I became aware of the battle which goes on, even now, such as when I prepared this talk, with one not really wanting to be bothered, putting it off until the last minute, and the other one wanting to write down all the concepts and skills I've learned and impossibly cram them in to this talk.

The important thing I have learnt though, is that neither these parts of myself are wrong or bad. They have their good points - the Achiever is what gets anything done. The under-Achiever reminds me to take time out, and relax! Both of them are mechanisms for coping with life, and the important thing is to develop a new way of doing things, which is either completely new, or a combination of the best parts of both the sub-personalities. In this case it may be working in a focussed manner for shorter periods, and allowing myself to take plenty of breaks and relax.

Beliefs

As mentioned our sub-personalities are all strategies we have developed for coping with life. Sub-personalities are based around beliefs of how to meet a need. The under-Achiever may be based around a belief that things just aren't worth doing. The Achiever may believe that it has to work hard - and it's not what it's doing, just the fact that it is seen to be working hard.

As well as being the at the core of our sub-personalities, our beliefs shape our whole life. They are like lenses through which we view life. Some of us may have rose-tinted lenses and believe life is all-good! Some of us may have other lenses that warp and distort like fairground mirrors, and we may see life as a hassle, an endless struggle between each crisis.

Everyone once in a while I have found my beliefs shaken up, and I have to struggle to work out where I am going in life, and what is important for me. Thankfully this happens less so, now that I've taken the time to learn new skills for dealing with life. An important one has been learning to be flexible with my beliefs. Even if my beliefs are challenged by someone else, I can agree to differ, and don't always feel the need to argue that my belief is correct and they are wrong.

However, from time to time I am still surprised with what beliefs I hold that I am unaware of. Many of them aren't life changing when I realise that I believe a certain thing, but it is a reminder that it is from beliefs that I live my life, and it is from these beliefs I act, often unconsciously. A belief makes something a certain way. When I think about these kind of beliefs I often reflect on something from my teenage years, when my sister came home from a friend's house and announced that we hang our toilet paper the wrong way on hanger, that the loose end of the paper should be facing the wall! Not a big deal really, or is it? I've mention this 'belief' to various people and almost everyone has a preference, and sometimes the preference has brought them into conflict with others who prefer to hang the paper the opposite way. So really, how many beliefs do we hold - unconsciously - which bring us into conflict with others or our environment? I'll leave you to reflect on that in your own life. You could also look at this within society, cultures and religion - how are ingrained beliefs leading to actions which don't actually meet our needs effectively?

Higher Self

Okay, as I begin winding up my talk, it feels right to talk a little about the "Higher Self" - which is an extension of the Self. Many of you will use the term "Spirit" to talk about a powerful, loving energy you allow into your life for guidance and healing. This for me is our Higher Self - or at least our Higher Self is the part that lets us connect to the Universal Spirit to facilitate our Self-growth, Spiritual Development, Healing, and life's journey. Just as we all have a Self, we all have a Higher Self. Our Higher Self is our best teacher and best guide for our journey.

I first began looking for a teacher, or teachers, to guide me along my journey when I was in my late teens. I have learned from many, and sometimes the lessons I learned the most from them were unexpected and due to a clash of beliefs or some other conflict, which sometimes has lead to a parting of company. Always my search was for an external teacher who could tell me what I needed to know - although I didn't usually know what it was I actually needed to know!

I now believe that our best teacher is in fact our Higher Self. If we are unaware of our Higher Self it will indeed lead us into experiences, and to teachers, from where we can learn. Even if we are aware of our Higher Self, it will still lead us into the experiences we need to learn from, and may still lead us to interact and learn from 'teachers' as this may be the quickest way to learn. However, by being aware of what our Higher Self needs us to do, we can make the process more efficient, and more conscious. It is about allowing ourselves to be guided along our life's path in a more orderly fashion, seeing the sites we need to see rather than becoming lost in the wilderness and lurching from daily-grind to crisis.

However it is our Higher Self that is the only teacher who can truly assist us in our inner life, in balancing our sub-personalities, and making the big decisions we need to make. My being open to our Higher Self (and building the belief that we do indeed have a Higher Self) we can begin to reclaim responsibility for our own lives, reflect on our experiences, and grow to fulfil our potential as a unique Self